In God's Hands

It's 9:45 AM. The last few hours have been scary.

Wafa was able to sleep a little bit in the hours before fajr. Erin gave us a reading of 5 cm, so we were excited there was some progress. But it's not over til it's over.

I had 2 pop tarts for suhoor. I decided to fast today for 3ashuraa' because I think I can handle it. We prayed fajr in the waiting room, and I got a half-hour nap in while Wafa was napping. Then at about 8, we saw a familiar face: Dr. Gomez was in the house.

She took a reading of Wafa's dilation: 4 cm. The last reading wasn't accurate. 4 cm is the defining line of making progress: normally once 4 cm is reached, it would take about an hour for each centimeter. So essentially Wafa has been having contractions without any progress. A lot of factors are in play here: her water broke and no natural contractions followed, she had been induced, and the IV is in Wafa's bloodstream, all to make the process go as smoothly as possible. Dr. Gomez gave us the options to go from here: Wafa and the baby are fine, so we can keep trying naturally and see what happens in the next 3 hours, or administer the epidural to make Wafa relax more which in turn will make her dilate more in the next 3 hours and if it doesn't then have a cesarean, or go for a cesarean right away, which will require the epidural anyway.

Anytime things are done unnaturally, I lose my sense of security. I had to constantly tell myself to keep it together for Wafa's sake. Dr. James would come in soon to administer the epidural. I don't like the idea of a cesarean. It's so impersonal, not like natural childbirth. Of course, sometimes it's necessary. I'm the showcase example of that. By instinct, if things are done naturally, I truly feel Allah (swt) is in full control. But when things aren't done naturally, my mind tells me that someone else is in control. That's the test of faith right there: knowing that Allah (swt) is in full control whether things are going the natural course or with medicinal intervention: it's all from Allah (swt).

The four of us talked about it, and we decided to do the epidural and maximize the pitosin. Here we go.

Dr. James came in. I almost laughed when I saw him because he reminded me of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Looks just like him, but older. He moved like him, talked like him, everything. The only thing different was he made some remarks to lighten the mood. SubhaanAllah as scared as I was, I knew this was my test of faith, and I had to believe this man was sent by Allah (swt) to do this, which he was. Wafa was positioned to sit upright toward the window as Dr. James did the procedure. As scared as I was, that's how much of a pro he was. He was like a machine at work with such precision. Wafa held on to me for dear life as Dr. James put in the needle. I kept telling myself "keep it together, keep it together...", but when I told him "thank you", my voice cracked and felt the tears coming. "Keep it together, keep it together, you're in God's Hands now, the safest place in the world." I reminded myself of Ibraaheem (pbuh) when he was in the fire, and Allah (swt) made the fire cool for him. I think I can begin to understand how he felt when he was in God's Hands.

Easy peezy, alhamdulillah. After a couple of deep breaths, the Kris and I helped position Wafa on her left side in a way that will help the baby pass dilate as much as possible. The petonin was set up again and Kris started Wafa on 12 dose, and she would be back every 20 minutes to up it in increments of 4.

Alhamdulillah Baba landed safely. Abdur-Rahman dropped off Mostafa in Denton and then went to the airport to pick up Baba. He just got here and went straight to Wafa to recite Qur'an on Wafa and make dua for her. Abdur-Rahman is playing Soorat Maryam on his phone. A beautiful scene indeed. Family support is so important, next to feeling secure in God's Hands.

It's 11 now. Dr. Gomez sent word that she'll back to check on Wafa at noon to check for progress. InshaAllah khayr.